But He's Not Like Lee (Part 9)

I was relieved to have the order of protection in place. I was unsure how well it would work and exactly how well he was going to follow it. I have seen him twice since that day in court, both times were completely coincidental, cases of being in the same place at the same time for different reasons. The first was at a gas station. I was in a neighboring town for my little sister’s volleyball tournament. I had stopped to get a drink and some fuel, and was then on my way. I saw him getting into a car, and then he pulled away. I shook for 15 minutes with fear and relief. Fear when I realized it was him, and when he looked me in the eye before getting into his car, and relief when after being frozen in that spot for 15 minutes, he didn’t come back. The next time I saw him I was out with a boyfriend. The new guy was big and kind of scary looking (but a big teddy bear). I always felt safe when he was around. We were in the town that Lee’s mother lived in and had stopped at a restaurant down the street from her house. I felt ok because what were the chances we would see him there? Well they were apparently pretty good because he was with his parents and a “new” girlfriend leaving the restaurant when we got there. New boyfriend knew about old boyfriend, and when I told him that Lee was there, he shouted across the parking lot to the new girlfriend that she was with a woman beater, and stalker. The look on his face alone was priceless, let alone the looks of his mom and the girl. I managed to calm down and enjoy my meal after 2 glasses of wine.

So now, I am happily married, and yes I managed to have children of my own. Things worked out for me medically and despite the fact that I was on birth control (both times), I conceived 2 beautiful babies. They are healthy and happy and surrounded by loving people.

I can pretty much spot an abuser instantly after seeing them interact with their girlfriend. I have learned to recognize comments and actions that abusive men make, that in retrospect I should have seen long ago. I also can tell by the way a woman acts with certain men that they are afraid of being abused by them. I have seen my fair share of black eyes and bruises that are explained away by “accidents”. My own best friend was married to an abuser during the time I was with Lee. We now discuss our lies that we used to cover for them. We agree that if someone being abused admits to any abuse, that there is at least twice as much happening. My friend even came home from her honeymoon with 2 black eyes. Her explanation-she fell during the booze cruise from the top floor of the boat to the bottom. The truth, he got mad at her and beat her in the hotel room the night before they came home. The abuse had begun before the wedding, and ended when she finally came home from Italy years later. You see, he was in the Air Force, and they had been stationed in Italy so she didn’t even have a strong support network until she came back home. Abusers are everywhere, and so many people refuse to see it, and refuse to get involved. I would probably have died the night I was arrested if the neighbor hadn’t dialed 911. I never thanked her for that. She probably thought I was an idiot for not leaving sooner. I am so grateful to her for her help. I hope she knows.

I started writing this because my sister was recently dating a guy who I am sure is an abuser. He has hurt her, she admitted to that. I am sure he has done more than she said. I don't want to see her go through the things I did. She told me a few weeks ago that she was seeing him again, and that although he was mean to her and did hurt her that"He's not like Lee". I wrote this because I believe he is like Lee and every other guy who has abused a woman. The funny thing is that it is just a matter of time between that first push or slap to sitting in an emergency room wondering if you are going to live. If you get away early, you can avoid that thought, and maybe make peace with yourself and get back on the right track. Supportive family members and friends are the way to go. It amazes me the number of people who feel so alone in their predicament, yet there are so many others in the exact same situation. Thanks to those of you who have read my story and commented, or just read it and silently thanked me for my information and sharing. Even though this was more than 10 years ago, there are days that the emotions overwhelm me and cause me to get a little too stressed. I no longer live in fear of seeing him, I no longer walk around scared. I have become that fun free-spirited girl I once was. I enjoy my life and my family.